Do not be a permanent spouse-counsellor

Source: The Hitavada      Date: 26 Nov 2017 10:50:55


Q. I am 24 years old male. I am doing my training as a pilot, two more years are left in the training. I met one girl online on dating site tinder. We hit it off really well and since last one month I am talking to her and we are on good note. Everything with her feels like a dream and we make each other so happy. I really want to meet her but I cannot because of work as my training is going on in other state. I think she is the one for me but the problem is she is having really bad anxiety issues and she is depressed most of the times. I even spoke to some of my friends and they think I should not continue with her. Its better to cut it sooner than later, but I still have genuine feelings for her. Should I continue or should I break it?

Ans. We need to know why she has anxiety and depression issues. Are they sort of genetically determined or are caused due to a reaction to a life situation is important to ascertain. This has long term significance and consequences. Whatever may be the causes she needs to be counselled and treated for the same. You should bear in mind that you should not land up being her permanent counsellor at home for this will stress out your normal relationship with her. It is imperative she has a professional counsellor for her psychological issues and then the relationship can go on.

But if you take over the role of counsellor and if begins to rely heavily only on you, you feel soon start feeling miserable for depression/anxiety begin to effect normal functioning on a day to day basis. In other words if you marry her she may not pick up responsibilities for herself and for the home. You might find yourself doing double duty at all times. Talk this out with her and get her to seek proper treatment. Then life can be normal and good of you love her and she has a good personality.

Mental illness can impact anyone and is treatable too. We do not leave people we love due to their illness, whether mental or physical.


Q. I am 21 years old girl and I moved from Nagpur to Mumbai six months back for my studies. It was all good in the beginning and I really liked climate and the people. I was having a good time till college started four months back. Since the start of the college, all my classmate are back-biting about me. They call me with ugly names though they don’t say anything on my face. I don’t know why they hate me so much. I t hink something is wrong with me or something is wrong with them. I feel like running away from here. Please advice me on this issue.

Ans.This situation / mental state of yours need further investigation. We would be keen to know the conditions under which the bullying and teasing started and who are the ones indulging in it and what do they want? Is it being instigated by someone with a motive or are they just having being nasty because you are not from Mumbai but from another city? When you say ‘they do not say it on my face’, it could also indicate that you are imagining it and it is part of your fantasy. You could well be imagining all the comments like noises that reverberate in your head. In either case you would need to consult a psychologist as soon as possible and get it cleared from your mind. Otherwise it will create disturbances in your study for which you have gone to Mumbai and will defeat the purpose. Do not hesitate and do not wait longer for the symptoms to vanish, since they are there for last four months. A timely help soothes the mind and stabilises it. Best of luck to you.












By RITA AGGARWAL (Consulting Psychologist) Do not be a permanent spouse-counsellor The columnist can be reached at B/301, Shat -Tarka Aptts, Surendra Nagar, R.P.T.S Road, Nagpur, or on 7719975840, 2220250 and 2223322. She can also be reached at [email protected] and can be visited at