‘Fill in the blanks yourself’

Source: The Hitavada      Date: 04 Nov 2018 11:19:41

Q. I am a married school teacher. I recently got into an extra-marital relationship. Although I love my husband, but I don't know why I was not happy with him. Someone told this to my husband and he divorced me. Although this has happened a long time ago, but I am constantly reminded of him. I am no longer able to concentrate and feel like ending my life. Please help me.

Ans. This is a bit confusing. I understand that you were not happy with your husband so you started an affair. And your husband divorced you on learning about your affair. And now you are missing your husband? If I have understood this correctly, then it reflects an unsure mind and insecure personality with a lack of clarity of goals. Ending your life is not the solution. The resolution should be the development of yourself and your personality. A school teacher is a wonderful professional and you can search for a higher purpose in this field of teaching. Search for a meaning in life in terms of work and service to humanity. A good personal relationship can be very satisfying but does not last forever and also does not serve as the ultimate source of happiness. Relationships have limited value and die a natural death although they are very important in life and form part of your life-support systems. The real source of satisfaction lies in service to others and the giving away of love and affection to others. Happiness does not lie in receiving love and affection but in giving it away. Think over this and make broad goals in life. Get over your personal problems and think big and wide. Life is beautiful and very meaningful. Come for a few sessions if you still feel depressed and also for training and development of the personality. A K

Q. I am a final MBBS student. I have my exams next month. I met a guy from IIT Bombay on an online dating site. Our intellectual levels matched and I talked to him for about 6 months. The relationship never progressed beyond friendship, but I became habitual of talking to him 24x7. He is quite elder to me and I really like him, but I have kept the feelings to myself due to my studies. But some days ago I was going through his Facebook profile and saw his ex’s profile. He was married around 2015. When I asked him this, he didn't reply and changed the topic. Since then I’m very frustrated and I need answers. I am not able to study and fretting about it. I know I should think rationally, but I’m unable to stop thinking about him. I am not able to share it with anyone. I don’t know what to do.

Ans. Searching for answers from the person who has hidden facts from you is the biggest hurdle in getting over your emotional problems. If you are a logical and rational thinker you should be able to fill up the blanks yourself ! If the guy has hidden facts from you initially he will continue to do so or else if you force it out of him eventually he will distort the facts and give lame excuses for his actions. Stop searching for answers and make your assumptions in terms of answers yourself. If he is married or not it should not make much difference to a platonic relationship. You say it never went beyond friendship and you did not disclose your feelings to him too. When you asked him about his marital status he avoided the question by keeping quiet so technically he did not lie to you! You should have inferred from his silence that he is not disclosing it openly to you. Forget all this over-thinking in your mind and quieten your mind by shutting off the logical questions with no answers coming forth. If you like to talk to him go ahead and talk to him. If it upsets you stop talking to him. You should learn the art of mindfulness, deep breathing and watching your thoughts. A session or two will help you learn the art of stilling your mind.












By RITA AGGARWAL (Consulting Psychologist) ‘Fill in the blanks yourself’ The columnist can be reached at 201, Paramount Heights, 40 Cement Road, Shivaji Nagar Nagpur 440010 or on 9156582334, 2220250 and 2223322. She can also be reached at [email protected] and can be visited at www.rita-psychologist.com)