I am Ok, You are OK

Source: The Hitavada      Date: 13 Mar 2018 11:31:28



By kumar zilpelwar

Be OK with Yourself and You are on the First step of being Assertive…--K Zi

It is an ancient proverb which says, “There is a child in every human being” and today as a trainer, we say, one should always feed this child to make your life cheerful and happy. Study of Transactional Analysis reveals, every human possess three Ego states, Parent Ego State, Adult Ego State and Child Ego State, irrespective of their age. Many of us may get confused with the word Ego, But Eric Berne, the Initiator of TA( Transactional Analysis) says, Ego states are consistent pattern of thinking, feeling and behavior and not the EGO which we largely understands as superlative complex.

Once you understand these PAC modes, that will help you to understand how to behave with the other person in accordance to get the positive outcome of every transaction. In today’s scene, success of the business depends, 80% in people management and 20% in how you do your work. People leave people and not the company is a corporate concept which is absolutely true. It is not the only talent which makes you a good leader, but it is how best you take the people along with you.
To understand a person’s behavior, we need to understand PAC Structure and the transactions, he generally makes with his peers, subordinates and superiors.
Let us see Parent mode first. As everyone has 2 parents, out of, one is nurturing (generally mother) one is critical, so is the case of our Ego States, we have Nurturing Parent, (NP) and we have Critical Parent (CP). Nurturing parent is caring, helping and appreciating where as Critical parent is scolding, finding faults, ordering, sarcastic. We as a human being communicates from these ego states in day to day life. A 6 year old grandson, scolds to his grand father for taking the medicine timely, displays the Nurturing Parent and the 80 year grandfather denying to take medicine, displays his Child Mode.

An Adult mode, as the name suggests, is a logical, pragmatic, looking for alternatives, consequences of action taken. Adult is full adult and does not have any partition.
Children are interesting so the Child mode is, which is further divided in to Natural Child, Adaptive Child mode (Compliant Child) and Rebellious Child Mode. The thoughts and feelings are revealed in Child Mode through our behavior and Actions, if we act naturally, our NC mode is strong, If we are always in Yes Sir, Yes Boss mode, Our Adaptive Child mode is strong and if we complain a lot on laid systems, we act through Rebellious Child Mode. This can be best be understood by simple example. A simple question, what is the time, can be responded from Rebellious Child as, don’t you wear a watch?
Having understood the PAC model, we need to be aware about the four different Life Positions which are, a) I Am OK, You are OK b) I am ok, You are Not OK. c) I am not Ok, you are OK . d) I am not Ok, You are not OK. This is to find, how OK you are with yourself and the other to whom you are making the transactions.

I am OK , You are Not Ok, displays the Superlative complex, is Critical Parent mode, which considers himself, I know all, I am the boss and you are nothing, You have to obey me. Dominates others, many times rude. This life position will allows you to achieve target, but losses the sweetness in relationships. Aggressive in Nature.
I am Not OK, You are OK, displays the inferiority complex, Adaptive Child mode, considers himself always low and the other person as high. Seeks dominance from others, tries to be liked by everyone and tries to avoid conflicts. People who operate from this mode have more chances of treated as doormat in many cases. Fear of loss of self dignity. The person who is this mode when bursts, everything is spoiled. Passive in nature.

I am Not OK, You are Not OK, displays the hopeless situation. Lacks of trust in self and others. Gives you a feeling of depression, reminds me the Hindi song of Gurudutt, Yeh Duniya Agar Mil Bhi jaye to kya Hai..?
I am OK, you are OK, displays the Adult Mode of transactions, the winner mode. He is ok with himself and at the same time he is OK with others. He considers himself as high as others. Treats self and others well. This is the ideal life positions one should always have. Expresses clearly without dominating and degrading others. Person maintains self esteem and relations. Assertive in nature. Assertiveness is the ability to express one’s attitude, feelings, opinion without anxiety and without hurting others, to say NO, whenever want to. In our day to day life, we need to be in Adult mode and I am Ok- You are OK mode, in order to get positive outcomes of any transactions.

Challenge yourself to be in Adult mode, for as much of time in a day, as being in the Adult mode avoids cross transactions and promote complimentary transactions.
To understand more about Complimentary, Cross and Ulterior transactions, stay connected next time.
(The author is a corporate trainer and can be reached at [email protected])